unlearn me.

silverainbow @ 2004-06-03T18:36:00

2004-06-03T22:37:02Z

*poof.*

stuff.

2004-06-03T20:40:06Z

i walked through the door and grabbed a can of mountain dew and i'm standing there drinking it. i heard this huge rumble outside, and my kitchen floor was shaking under me. so i went outside and theres this guy tearing up the concrete path outside. ohmanohman. he's wearing a rage against the machine shirt. i want to hug him. or maybe talk to him. either one, haha.
today was just horribly stressful and just... a drag... but everything was happening so fast at the same time...
see, H christ. this is how i am in school. i dont know whats going on. i'm just ... so fucking out of it. i dont know what it is. i dont want to be there. i'm just... putting all my nerves in one place and holding on to them. i dislike everyone around me 90% of the time. and those lights. god those fucking lights. all year. every day. every second. i dont know whats wrong with me. lighting bothers me so much. it completely sets my mood and outlook on things. bright, horrible yellow lights. that yellow... ugh. if i explained this to someone they'd just look at me funny.
like this. --------> o.ô

and i get to return home for the remainder of the day.
yes. i'm... home. right here. *looks around* yeah, i'm at my house alright. because i ---cant do anything during the weeeeeeeeek.--- gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh
...............

yesterday was fucking crazy. hahaha, what a sweet way to celebrate 'THE' birthday.
i got fresh flowers and a '$100 shopping spree' from my grandparents.
two and j came home with me, from there we walked to sean's. day was there with him. bill shows up, as does jess. j grabbed sean's guitar and didn't put it down for atleast an hour. (oooh, tool. and he has a great idea for a new song.) i braided half of two's head, and jess fucked up the other half. >.> <.< ^.~
er... we got the money to buy a pizza. so we did that.
hahahaa, day and holly made me fingerpaintings! i <3 them. i left them at sean's, now that i think of it. *tear.* they're so beautiful.
one of her gifts to sean was a HUGE container of cheesy poofs. sam's club style. woah. thats a whole fucking lot of cheesy poofs. hahaha, what a great moment. day carries them downstairs, j looks up from the guitar, puts it down, makes a run for the poofs, walks into the small storage room, and closes the door. 'oh god! ooooh! oh, it's so good!' hahaha... sean... 'those are my fucking cheesypoofs! give em back fucknut!!'
jess casually took an enema box out of her bag and gave it to me. lmao. apparently she has 'another gift' to give me. >.> oh my.
yeah, it was a party. a 'party.' our definition of a party. heh. we just hung out. boomer came by at some point, which signaled chaos.
j had to go around six for jazz... (two, you really needed to fuck off before he left. i dont care if the dog was trying to hump you. go away. haha.)

the remainder of the time was spent fighting with two sticks of deodorant. yes. deodorant.
boomer, two, me, and jess battled against eachother.
... there was men's and women's deodorant everywhere. clothes, hair, glasses. i'm pretty sure that two got it the worst, through. his entire back was white. he was wearing the black RS shirt, too. it smelled so horrible. and its so difficult to get off of anything. oh, what a mess... haha...
we all crashed in a small corner of sean's basement. five bodies tangled in this huge mass on the floor. two kept getting hit in the balls, boomer was drooling all over the place and making bubbles with his spit, bill took off his shoes and shirt and harassed us with his extremely smelly body, and we discovered that boomer says 'soda' like no other human being.
'SODA'
'HAHAHAHA!!! again.'
'SODAAA'
'HAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!'
lol..
'wait, there's something lodged up my ass...'
*reaches under ass and pulls out an old cowboy boot*
there were just so many moments of hilarious madness in that time that i can't recall... haha...

two's dad gave me and jess a ride home after we sat in seanz's driveway for awhile...
*shrug* it was a fun evening.

i'm not looking forward to school tomarrow. so many things are going to suck. spanish speaking task. that test. the quiz.
i just wish that i could wake up tomarrow. it would be noon, and i'd be with j somewhere.

i put a stud in my tragus. and it's gold. with an ugly, eroded back. it looks like shit, but i took the safety pin out and i could already see that it was getting 'rusty' (?) i'm not sure, it was rotting or something.
i fucking hate gold, but that was the only extra sharp stud i had lying around.

silverainbow @ 2004-06-01T16:20:00

2004-06-01T20:21:01Z

gah, you're such an asshole sometimes...

silverainbow @ 2004-05-31T19:52:00

2004-06-01T00:06:26Z

theres a pink safety pin in my tragus.

wtf. this makes me very fucking angry.

no one cares until it's too late...

silverainbow @ 2004-05-31T18:35:00

2004-05-31T22:35:29Z

hey, i'll be sixteen wednesday.

silverainbow @ 2004-05-31T00:00:00

2004-05-31T04:59:41Z

i'm beat. the past two days have made my body fairly tired.
the parental units went out to return with company at a later hour, so two and bill show up at my house around six. we sat around drinking cans of mountain dew and mug for awhile. i left a note and we set out to walk about lancaster. we hung out at schiole for awhile... i watched in amusement as bill and two were fighting like bitches at random intervals... [what else is new?]
yeah, walked... whatever... we were on some street when i stop and look at two. two stops and looks back at me. we're four houses away and we hear a stereo playing aenima. we walk to the house and stand there for a few minutes listening to forty six and two. eventually we all just shrug and sit down under the trees in front of this guy's yard. hahaha... the entire time we're contemplating 'we should just knock on his door and ask this person to be our friend for the lack of anything better to do and someone who knows how to listen to tool.' i think we sat there until jimmy ended and continued our way.
we walked to olbs and saw day's car in sean's driveway, so we checked to see if anyone was home. no such luck. so we basically broke into the lukas household and helped outselves to some refreshments, use of the facilities, and stereo system. we got bored with that and feared someone besides sean and day to come back, so we locked up the house and left. bill turns around and opens day's car door, surprised that its unlocked... so he's compelled to do something retarded. we grab a piece of paper and he writes a message on it with my lipgloss: LOCK UR CAR! LOVE, BILL
... so we stick it on the inside of our window and continue on. we were going to walk to amvets, but it was getting too late... hour there and an hour back, that would just suck. plus we'd have to walk past bill's house and he was supposed to be in church or something. so yeah. we walked around random blocks and dead ends.
we went to the tracks for awhile and sat on the bridge talking.
it was getting dark, so we walked back to my house. we didnt want to take the main streets, so we tried to cut down our time a little. we ended up passing a few dead ends in the general direction of schiole, but none of us had been in that area before and had no clue where we were. we ended up standing in front of vast woods, so we go for it.
... its been raining a lot lately.
MUD! we walked through the woods for a good ten minutes, jumping over streams and puddles and falling in them. i was ankle deep in thick muddy water in my chucks. they're thilthy, i love it.
so we finally see a house we dont reconize. we walk through more woods in random directions, no hope in ending up anywhere near schiole. bill steps forward and stands there for a minute.
'its... POOPIE'S HOUSE! HAHAHAHAHA!!! SHIIITTT! ITS YOUR HOUSE!! HAHAHAHA!!'
we're in the farthest corner of the vast land in the back of my house, to the left of dookie mounatin far behind it, by the baseball 'paking lot.' thats incredible. we had no intentions of getting to my house at all. and by doing so we cut 15 minutes down from our usual time walking from bill or seans house to mine. hahaha... thats so fucking great.
we sat in my garage for another hour drinking more dew and eating donuts talking about political/world issues and many other subjects.
they left around ten, i gave j a call... ehh, i wish i could have went over there tonight... its a bit of a party - the fort, an italian, matt, and beer. :D
i'll be there tomarrow.

hey, i dyed my hair earlier saturday. red chunks. its crazy stuff. it turned kinda pink after two dunked me underwater in the pool, but i put more dye on it and took a shower. i'm no longer muuuuuddddddddyyyy!

off into nebula: yeah, so next weekend.... meh, i miss you : \
off into nebula: are you free sat and sun?
off into nebula: cos then i'll just let you know... cos i never know whats going on with me anymore
X Morbid Wolf X: lol im going to a thang on sat. but sun is fine.
off into nebula: a thaaaaang. mmhm girlfriend, a THANG!
off into nebula: alright, sun... its a *date*!
X Morbid Wolf X: lol, wow. ok
off into nebula: i'm taking you out
X Morbid Wolf X: alright
X Morbid Wolf X: im pumped
off into nebula: sweet
X Morbid Wolf X: score
X Morbid Wolf X: so anyway..
off into nebula: mmmmmmmmmm
off into nebula: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
X Morbid Wolf X: o.O
X Morbid Wolf X: have a glowstick -hands.-
off into nebula: oooooohhh! *eats*

silverainbow @ 2004-05-30T16:40:00

2004-05-30T21:00:47Z

i promise its real

last night i slept at that house i sleep at sometimes. haha, you know. that house. this house ... that has animals everywhere (dead and alive)... where i watch holly play grand theft auto, where we watch family guy episodes in english and espanol, where we swim in the freezing pool in the back nights and mornings, where we survive on mac and cheese, artifial chicken, juiceboxes, burned pizza, and freezie pops. (hahaha... sorry, its just what its becoming.)
well, maybe thats not it. but i'm just making fun of it in its entirety.

yeah. i was being bitched at for an hour before i left the house. two called on his cell and i was like *whew.* i'm fucking gone.
me, two, and holly crashed in the room is death playing grand theft auto... we watched ghost busters and pirates until late hours... eventually all fell asleep. marsha jumped on me around 5 and scared the shit out of me. then i looked around for about five minutes and was confused because i had forgotten where i was. i mean, i looked straight ahead and saw a few dead dear-like animal heads on the purple wall staring back at me. i looked to my right and saw marsha. i looked up and saw two and an albino elk head. i looked to my left and i saw holly sitting straight up with her mouth open, the ps2 controller draped on the arm of the seat. *laughs*

uh, we woke up pretty late... i dont remember anything. i barrowed some sweet swimming trunks from day and all of us swam. FUCK, the water was cold. really FUCKING cold.
we ate some hot ass holly burned pizza with bbq sauce, happy otters freezie pops, artificial chicken, and we were good to go.
... holly drove me hoooome.
so i'm here, smelling like tangerine and chlorine... i'm damp, cold.... bored. where is everyone...?

ugh... fucking allergies... swelling.... eye.... hives... ugh

silverainbow @ 2004-05-29T20:17:00

2004-05-30T00:18:28Z

1. The nation debt under bush jr has increased so drastically that the average american's estimated share of national debt will be an astronomical $24,000-compared to $500 when dubya first took office.

2. Under bush jr there are now 43 million americans with no health insurance.

3. Responsible for an unemployment rate of 6%. There are now 9 million people out of work in america-3.3 million more than when bush took office.

4. He cut healthcare benefits to veterans.

5. Bush jr deserted his unit during vietnam and was reportedly awol for over a year from his assigned unit: the texas air natioal guard, or as it's referred to by other military outfits, the "champagne division".

6. Desipte a 13% unemployment rate among those aged 16-24 bush jr proposed to eliminate youth opportunity grants- a program that provides job training to the nation's youth. A $225 million program in 2002 is now being done away with so bush can have more money for Iraq.

7. He cut funding for 375,000 low income college students and reduced pell grant amounts to such a severe degree that it effectively caused 84,000 students to no longer be eligible for pell grants. Pell amounts have been overall reduced 1.5 million students...it's safe to say that the bush daughters aren't eligible for financial aid, so this won't affect the opulent lives of anyone bush jr may know.

8. Withdrew from the international criminal court.

9. First president in us history to refuse united nations election inspectors (during the 2002 us elections).

10. All-time us(and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.

11. The bush administration had twice as many fbi agents fighting the drug war than fighting terrorism prior to 9/11. Even after 9/11, more than 2,000 fbi agents are wasting their valuable time assigned to the war on drugs.

12. His proposed "free trade" agreements would result in the loss of us jobs to foreign markets and the exploitation of third world workers.

13. John ashcroft.

14. He has taken 11 official executive actions to undermine reporductive rights...how long will it be before a woman is stripped of her right to choose?

15. Failed to fulfill pledge to get osama bin laden "dead or alive"

16. Wasted federal resources on a pr trip to baghdad where he staged a thanksgiving meal at 6am with troops that were screened based on their political affiliation. And the turkey? It was a prop.

17. His refusal to fire-or even reprimand-lt. general jerry "our god is bigger than their god" boykin. Perhaps it's because boykin said of the president, "george bush jr was not elected by a majority of voters in the united states. He was appointed by god. He's in the white house becase god put him there."

18. After sending troops off to die in an unjust and unprovoked war, he still has yet to attend any soldier's funerals.

19. His shameless nepotism for the rich and powerful. Elizabeth cheney (daughter of ol'dick) got hooked up with a cool gig at the state department where she was in chage for the $129 million middle east partnership initiative and then was moved over to daddy and uncle dubya's campaign payroll.

20. He dropped his dog on its head.

21. Bush jr is the first president in us history to enter office with a criminal record

22. Bush jr has set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest a leader(10 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

23. He slashed funding to the violence against women act.

24. He has invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of one billion dollars per week.

25. He appointed charles pickering, a notorious segregationist from mississippi, as a federal judge and suspiciously did so on martin luther king day.

26. Bush has spent over 100 billion on iraq, leaving states to face the largest budget crises in decades and forced to cut off public services; now with the federal deficit at a new high bush jr wants to award more tax breaks to the wealthy.

27. Under new bush legislation (the clear skies initiative), power plants are allowed to emit triple the amount of highly-toxic mercury into the enviroment.

28. Bush jr failed to protect 3 million acres of the tongass national forest from logging. The tongass has the highest concentration of bald eagles on earth and has already lost 700 square miles to logging with 33 more logging permits pending. Not even the sanctity of our endangered national bird can compete with bush campaign contributions porvided by the forest industry.

29. He is on pace to have taken more vacation than any president in history, inculding a 28-day vacation right before 9/11. Bush jr has taken 6 months of vacation in total...do you know anyone that gets 6 months of vacation?

30. He pulled out of the Kyoto agreement on global warming, which had been agreed upon by 178 other countries.

31. Bush jr is endorsed by fundamentalist pat roberston who claims that god told him bush will win re-election and that "it doesnt make a difference what bush does because god is blessing him". Bush keeps some great company, but keep in mind roberston was also the nitwit that blamed the 9/11 attacks on gays and suggested that we "nuke" the us state department.

32. He set the record for most executions by any governor in american history. 152 in total; some of whom were mentally disabled.

33. Has repeatedly stonewalled the public investigation into 9/11.

34. Bush jr declined to fully fund the aids initiative after promising to do so. The final cuts that resulted were over $2 billion.

35. He still suggests that homosexuals are "sinners" and is pushing legislation that would forbid gay partnerships and deny fundamental civil rights on a national and local level.

36. Choked on a pretzel and nearly lost his life while seated in front of a tv.

37. Bush jr has gone to great lengths to prevent investigations of his friends at enron and halliburton. More time and money has been spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

38. Bush jr has set the record for the fewest amount of press conferences by a president since the advent of television.

39. Resposible for a 251 billion dollar budget deficit-less than 4 years after inheriting a 200 billion dollar surplus.

40. He has made repeated attempts to legalize oil drilling in the national wildlife refuge.

. . . <3

2004-05-29T03:31:17Z

....
nothing and everything.

silverainbow @ 2004-05-27T17:58:00

2004-05-27T22:21:29Z

You're
the United Nations!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to
completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long
way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each
other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of
beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes
it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart
is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

i fear my spanish speaking tomarrow. fuck. ... >.>

i'm beyond 'sick' of school. i cant describe how i feel anymore in words. people just suck. people sicken me. they put me in a horrid mood. they're just so stupid. the things that they say and do.
and they're everywhere.
i just cannot handle it anymore.

i was actually going to stay after for a global review class, but then i just thought, fuck that. i called home and got bitched at when i came home for an hour... 'why the hell didnt you stay after? that brach or whatever said on the five week report about staying after for review, your average is a 72, look, you said you would, you promised me' etc etc
right after i walked through the door and told her a.) i'm not feeling too great b.) i'm going to the other review classes and c.) i wanted to stop at continental camera and get some ilford photo paper because they close at 4
but, of course, she completely disregards what i have to say and continues her bitching because she just feels its necessary.
i need to hear that... because... you know. i'm a moron.

tragus/conch are certainly going to be my next piercings. either one or both. yesterday i spent hours looking at galleries of piercings. i had not done that in awhile. it just doesn't get old. body mod is just so amazing.

hahaha, so who did pull the chicken suit thing?
that was so fuckin hilarious. i'm just standing there in the outfield talking to simon, and suddenly i see someone in a full body yellow chicken suit running around the school and then jump into mariani's window. there was just this moment of complete silence, then a huge collective laughter and 'wtf?'
me and simon look at eachother and say 'hot damn!' at the same time. haha
that was by far one of the best things that i've seen/moment this year.

silverainbow @ 2004-05-26T19:21:00

2004-05-26T23:22:12Z

look again.

silverainbow @ 2004-05-26T15:39:00

2004-05-26T19:57:11Z

J	Joyful
E	Edgy
S	Square
S	Special

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

1. PICK ONE OF YOUR SCARS OUT, NOW HOW DID YOU GET IT? the connected letters RS next to my thumb. i carved it over and over over a period of two months.
2.WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? random photographs, red duct tape, five framed unicorn art things from my old houses and such, an amazing unicorn/pegasus/stellar painting on on a backframe of wood that jess gave me, a mountain/sunrise landscape inside a silver frame made of sand, a huge horizontal metallic framed poster of three wolves, three incubus posters, a matrix reloaded poster, and a kurt poster.
3. WOULD YOU RATHER PLAY FOOTBALL OR WATCH IT? .... fuck both.
4. WHAT SPORT WOULD YOU SAY YOU ARE BEST AT? fuck that.
5. WHAT IS/WAS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE? hm.
6. WHAT DO YOU DO TO EXERCISE? walk? a lot?
7. APPLES OR ORANGES? either.
8. GRAPES OR WATERMELON? eitherrr!
9. WOLVES OR TIGERS? i love both. wolves moreso.
10. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? rock.
11. HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN POETRY? yes
13. DO YOU REMEMBER BIRTHDAYS? sometimes
14. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? it seems i have forgotten
15. DO YOU HAVE A BIRTHMARK, WHERE? back of my leg, on my palm
16. WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF A ROMANTIC PERSON? in a different perspective
17. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE? oh snap, ask around
18. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU STARTED FILLING THIS IN? drinking soy milk in my kitchen
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GUM? OUCH! and eclipse.
20. FAVORITE CHOCOLATE? ehhhhh
21. FAVORITE CANDY (NON CHOCOLATE)? starbursts
22. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA ICE-CREAM? vanilla
23. DO YOU OWN ANYTHING LEATHER? belt, wallet.
24. FAVORITE COLOGNE? i really dont care
25. FAVORITE PERFUME? green tea byyyy arden i think
26. DO YOU OWN A INSTRUMENT? no. i fucking dont. OH! a harmonica. haha
27. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON SOMEONE (OPPOSITE SEX)? hair, i'd like to say eyes but i cant look at them when i 'first notice someone', er.. the way that they carry themselves
28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? vanilla
29. FAVORITE SOUND THAT YOU HEAR OFTEN? music.
30. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING RIGHT NOW? i want to be somewhere else.
31. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? yes.
32. COULD YOU EVER SEE YOURSELF MOVING FROM WHERE YOU ARE NOW? yes.
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIE OF ALL TIME? *shrug* i used to love the lion king.
34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME? ... thats fucking impossible for me
35. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR WHEN YOU WERE TEN? blue
36. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? green
37. DO YOU OR HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? used to
38. IF SO WHAT WAS/IS IT'S NAME? i dont rememberrrrr..... i had simba for awhile, and that nameless bunny
39. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST CRUSH WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? err.
40. MOST EMBARRASSING CHILDHOOD MOMENT? *shrug*
41. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?: *laughs*
42. WHAT ATTRACTS YOU TO SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?: personality, humor, opinion, reaction, eyes.
43. WHO OUT OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST? dayzzz!
44. WHO OUT OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE YOU KNOWN THE SHORTEST? errrr...
45. WHAT IS THEIR BIRTHDAY AND MIDDLE NAME? ... meh
46. SUNRISE OR SUNSET? sunset
47. WHERE AT? somewhere that isnt industrialized.
48. WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE MOVIES OF THIS YEAR? matrix, rotk
49. CAN YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT? not... really.
50. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE? si, yo hablo shitty espanol.
51. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)? a bracelet
52. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER? maynard, boyd, billie joe
53. FAVORITE BAND(s)? look at my fucking info
54. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ? books on a topic that interests me. imagine that
55. DO YOU LIKE POETRY? yes.
56. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE? vanilla creamerrrrrr!
57. WHAT PHRASE DID YOU OR DO YOU USE? many... i dont know... 'oh snap!' has certainly grown on me. i say 'H. christ' a lot, too.
58. DRAGONS OR DINOSAURS? dragons
59. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: eighteen.
60. WOULD YOU PREFER TO GO ICE SKATING OR ROLLER SKATING? neither.
61. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? cait, jess, j
62. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? close/small minded people. people who feel that words are completely necessary.
63. HAVE YOU EVER DIALED THE PERSON YOU LIKE'S PHONE NUMBER AND THEN HUNG UP? no

my aunt and uncle are driving down here for dinner and spending the night. i smell meatloaf. -vomit.-
jasper has been internally bleeding since monday. crystal was put down last month. what next?

dullllllllll. i'm ~~grounded~~ bounded. (to my house.)
five week reports came in sunday. i got a gym, math, and history. yeeeeah. so its this... i must come home from school monday-thursday and stay home for the next few weeks.
i'm just so frustrated.. but i'm just fucking tolerating it. i know. i've learned. i'm beyond that point. just do it, dont say anything. fuck it.
i miss j. i miss being with him until the end of the day.

i've discovered i just cant do that anymore - stay home this much. for the sake of my fucking sanity. (okay, maybe sanity isn't the best word to use in my case... i am a fucking case.) the days of silently ignoring and not allowing things to phase me, pretending that i'm fine until i convince myself that i am are done.
'you going anywhere special?'
(quizzical look) er, no.
'well, you're not wearing an ugly black shirt so i thought you wanted to impress someone...'
i knew that was coming when she asked that after i randomly changed my shirt when i came home.

just... her constant voice is enough. its like chewing tin foil. i can block it out well enough with music when i'm home inside a room, but ... well enough isn't enough.
she always has something to say... always a negative comment or statement or observation...
just stop

silverainbow @ 2004-05-25T17:12:00

2004-05-25T21:12:57Z

silverainbow @ 2004-05-25T15:46:00

2004-05-25T19:48:01Z

X Morbid Wolf X (3:37:33 PM): ...

Auto response from Nebula 050 (3:37:33 PM): over there
to return

X Morbid Wolf X (3:37:37 PM): so your away
X Morbid Wolf X (3:37:39 PM): cool
X Morbid Wolf X (3:37:42 PM): thats grand
X Morbid Wolf X (3:37:53 PM): Im gonna tell you a story then
X Morbid Wolf X (3:38:00 PM): ok. well one day
X Morbid Wolf X (3:38:05 PM): that day being today.
X Morbid Wolf X (3:38:18 PM): a friend gave me a crushed dixie cup..
X Morbid Wolf X (3:38:25 PM): and you know what?
X Morbid Wolf X (3:38:30 PM): it looked like a condom
X Morbid Wolf X (3:38:35 PM): so i kept it
X Morbid Wolf X (3:38:40 PM): and during class..
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:11 PM): i would drop it and say to my neighbor 'crap, i need that today.. could you hand it back to me please'
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:14 PM): ..........
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:26 PM): 'trust me...its not used'
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:35 PM): And for all they know..it wasnt
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:37 PM): YES
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:42 PM): BWUAHA
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:48 PM): so thats it
X Morbid Wolf X (3:39:58 PM): [end.]

X Morbid Wolf X (3:48:59 PM): .breast.
Nebula 050 (3:49:19 PM): .tit.
X Morbid Wolf X (3:49:45 PM): .boob.
Nebula 050 (3:50:35 PM): .melon.
X Morbid Wolf X (3:51:30 PM): .lucious plums.
Nebula 050 (3:53:01 PM): .bosom.
X Morbid Wolf X (3:53:55 PM): .cleavage creators.
Nebula 050 (3:54:03 PM): .bust.
X Morbid Wolf X (3:54:13 PM): oh.. i see how it is
X Morbid Wolf X (3:54:15 PM): ok then..
X Morbid Wolf X (3:54:18 PM): .penis.
Nebula 050 (3:54:33 PM): how do you figure?
X Morbid Wolf X (3:54:52 PM): im just out of boob-acious words
Nebula 050 (3:55:06 PM): I WASN'T!!!
Nebula 050 (3:55:09 PM): one more!
Nebula 050 (3:55:13 PM): .thorax.
Nebula 050 (3:55:15 PM): now i'm done
Nebula 050 (3:55:33 PM): ummm
Nebula 050 (3:55:39 PM): .flesh flute.
X Morbid Wolf X (3:55:50 PM): XD
X Morbid Wolf X (3:55:51 PM): ahahhahaha
X Morbid Wolf X (3:56:03 PM): peeeeeeeeeeniiiiiis

sometimes i like to eat soap for dinner

silverainbow @ 2004-05-24T17:41:00

2004-05-24T21:43:48Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

i can't say what i want to,
even if i'm not serious.
things like....
"fuck yourself,
kill yourself,
you piece of shit."

people tell me what to say,
what to think
and what to play.

i say...
"go fuck yourself,
you piece of shit.
why don't you go kill yourself?"

just kidding.

silverainbow @ 2004-05-22T20:23:00

2004-05-23T00:19:54Z

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................................................................................................................................................

silverainbow @ 2004-05-22T15:15:00

2004-05-22T19:56:19Z

so i'm sitting here in front of the computer i didn't know existed at dana's aunt jean's house laughing out loud to myself insanely. theres fucking great music blasting on the stereo system in the room of death -
32e4 < that was from marsha the horny cat walking on the keyboard
there's a cat hjnnnhgbbbbb < thats more marsha
theres a cat89999999999996ytttttttt lmao... i cant fucking type because of this cat!
anyway, there's a horny kitty that will not leave me alone. day is walking around with a towel saying things like 'you were being so good until you saw a male! whats wrooooong marsha? you want a tall frothy glass of grape soda?!' haha
she just finished singing she has a girlfriend now inside the shower at the top of her lungs in all sorts of insane voices...
hahahaha, there have been many stupid situations like these.

i winged so much shit yesteday at school. ugh. and last minute essay writing... and writing that 3 page essay over again error free after i actually wrote it.. meh... so much writing between that and the last living. envi lab and that spanish notes and so many other pointless things.... but just... an excessive and ridiculous amount of writing ...

yesteday i went to j's after school. hodan couldn't practice, so that meant laying around at his house for hours as usual. neither of us had any complaints, but its all we ever do. well.... >.> nevermind.
it just makes us laugh every time we think about it. we're so lazy. <3
... i never want to leave him. we're always sleeping/waking up/coming close to sleeping and its either during the week and i need to call home and be picked up, or i need to go home for some reason, or he does... it just sucks...
i had dinner over there, afterwards i gave day a call to see what was going on. her, dan, and holly were at her aunts watching family guy dvds drinking an insane amount of juice boxes and were picking sean up from work around 9:30, so i called home and my grandpa picked me up.
LAST CONSERVATIVE WAS ON THE EDGE LAST NIGHT! tj was all... talking about stuff and... they played old and new songs and... it was so cool. ^.^

i walk through the door into the living room with my bag still on me, and we have company over. i smile and say 'hi' as usual. my grandmother just looks over her shoulder at me holding up her wine glass like some kind of prick (wait. she is.) and says 'another black shirt.'
i just stood there dumbfounded. shes not fucking starting with me. just walk away... youre done with saying anything... its always the same things...
'yeah. another black shirt.'
'remember the talk we had about all your black shirts?'
keep it simple...
'yes.'
'well then why the hell did you buy another black shirt?'
'its my money. i remember that talk. and i'm sorry, but i dont care. you should be happy with me, i dont do anything to upset you, i always try to make you happy. you wear what you want to wear and i'll wear what i want to wear and we'll both be happy. i wear what i'm comfortable in. i wear tshirts and jeans.. pants... what more do you want from me?'
its just fucking.... rehersed at this point. i say it indifferently. its this stereotypical... things to say to a parent.
marsha is biting my toe...
so she just looks at me and says something like 'you have so much black...'
'yes. i do indeed own a lot of black shirts. thats what i like.'
'why dont you go through your closet and throw out any colors, then?'

................................. FUCK YOU
just STOP. why??! why the hell do you keep doing this? what to i do that provokes you to be completely annoying and beligerent? FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFF
jesus christ i just cant handle it anymore. no one can understand how close i am to just.... i dont even know.... its always the same. fucking. issues.
things that shouldnt even be issues.
but when they're brought up over and over again, and you have the same arguments, an the same points, and the same disagreements and rude small mindedness, and the same secluding and disappearing from the house for a few hours, the same sitting against the wall in the dark somewhere in silence either crying or staring blankly in ahead...
.....................................
i cant do anything. i cant. she always has something to complain about with me. just let me be.
LET ME FUCKING BE. i let you fucking be. do the same thing for me, BITCH.
it will always be the same. i dont get upset at what she says to me anymore about anything (this is just a small example...) i get upset because i just wish i could change her.
but it will always be the same.

...
i'm sitting there crying out of frustration and i hear day honk outside, so i grab my bag and shove clothes and shit inside of it as fast as i can trying not to forget anything. shoved my chucks on and closed the fucking garage door.
every single time i come home, 15 minutes into it i either want to be gone or i actually go somewhere.
i cant live with her.
i just cant live with her.

i felt horrible because im just sitting there mindlessly bitching about her and what the hell is day supposed to say? i know when people areranting and bitching to me about things i want them to know im listening and i care but... what do you say?
we picked up sean from work. apparently the department of labor came to the fireside and all the workers are just running/sneaking out as fast as they can because theyre all working there illigally [18 and under.] hah.
god i was just crazy and frustrated out of my mind last night, until the point came where i started forcing myself to be happy and then tricked my mind into being happy until i actually was.
always the same. yep.
.... i've mastered that this year.
whatever. im out of that fucking house.
take advantage of a huge empty house with all sorts of amazing rooms and things and people...
the pool is open, so we sat outside for awhile until we all eventually fell asleep later.. yeah...
i woke up this morning with all sorts of acne on my face because marsha was laying on my neck. my one eyelid kinda exploded too. eh.
i went to the bathroom and theres cat puke everywhere... ugh...
i guess i didnt latch the door because shumba romped upstairs and jumped on holly. hahaha i hear 'ahhh!'
'jesus!' 'shumba!!' 'hahahahaha!!'
we had a glorious breakfast of two types of mac and cheese...
turns out day doesnt have to work today, but sean and holly do.
i showered, we watched some family guy dvds...
gah...

ummmmmmmmm.....
last conservative show tonight... they go on around 11...

4uuuu7777777777777777777777777 < sylvie
awww shes so cute. laying across the desk, awww... im going to pet her and stop rambling
god this was pointless

silverainbow @ 2004-05-20T20:46:00

2004-05-21T01:10:21Z

yeah thats enough of that..
i passed out sometime this morning... and showed up at school during third... gah...
i stayed for a bit of a wnysap meeting and cait and i went to the galleria for a few hours. i bought a apc shirt, bean burritos, and stole a really ugly ring. yes. mm hm.
sure.

...... i'm so sick of FUCKING BEING TALKED DOWN TO CONSTANTLY...
i'm just so frustrated with everything right now....

1. tolerate school tomarrow. its friday. one.more.fucking.day.
a.) j's house after school ...
b.) sleeping/staying at aunt jean's later... although i'm going to be alone 9am-5 in that house to let shumba out on saturday... eh... [just not being home in general all weekend is so fucking great.]

oooh eyebrow piercing.... oooooohhh canada!

2004-05-20T02:33:04Z

when i am eighteen years old the first thing i'm going to do is get my eyebrow pierced.
or sixteen - in canada.
i shall see.
it will happen.

silverainbow @ 2004-05-19T21:13:00

2004-05-20T01:32:31Z

last night me and day saw van helsing.
want my honest opinion? it sucked. terrible acting. ... it was horrible. the movie overall was just .. lame... i liked the scenes, as in the surroundings, and the costumes... those were good too... but everything else just... ugh.
we walked out early and day turned on the light switch in the entire theater.
'whats this?' *jumpclick*
haha...

wow. school sucked so much today. i winged a quiz and two tests...
i was doing my usual pissing off rob mo thing in photography, and i somehow found out that hes a homophobe.
^.^ oh snap, i had so much fun with that. i made him so uncomfortable, and towards the end of the period i think he was seriously ready to get up and smack me.
i have no idea how i would have survived without that kid in my photography class every day... we have a similiar fucked up/blunt sense of humor and it just works. we crack eachother up every day.
today was an interesting outing i suppose...
day and holly show up with their cars at the high school after ninth. seanz, ashley, joe, and j load into day's car and i get in holly's. day dropped everyone off at z's for a kinda... practice... thing... revolving around joe (testing his vocal abilities, which.. eh...) and me and holly drove to her house. we hung around there for awhile until day shows up and her dad changes her oil and we sit outside eating a ridiculous amount of freezie pops. FUCKING FREEZIE POPS! them and their leakage of PURPLE DOOOOOOMMMMM! *waves an angry fist* MY SHIRT IS RUINED! RUINED, I SAY!!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!
*runs in circles*
hm. so. we all drive to my house and i grab some cash. i also got bitched at because today is my grandfather's birthday. >.> thanks for fucking telling me. i did it on purpose, i swear! ... whatever. eh
so ummm... i dont remember... we went places... we went to the mall for awhile. i bought a crow left of the murder shirt! eee! ^.^ -glee-
'yeah, these flowers have lyrics on them...'
'do they?'
'fucking excuse to stare at my boobs...'
haha
me and holly renewed our love today. *sniff* oh god its so beautiful...

we went to millenium piercing and tattoo, and day got her nose pierced. it really does look great on her...
we eventually picked up z and j around 6:30. sean needed new shoes. so we went to target and he grabbed some. we spent more time there than we should have, as always... that goes for any place...
we hit up aunt jean's house for the remainder of the evening. yesss. always an interesting time. shoomba enjoys stealing random deer body parts and burying them, so theres just this random leg sticking out of the ground near the pool. i laughed. a lot.
everyone went snake hunting or something and me and j just sat there for awhile....
yeah...
i cant fucking think straight, my brain feels like its decaying lately, i cant recall things when i want to.

LostAndProfound9 (9:27:46 PM): badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers
LostAndProfound9 (9:27:48 PM): badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers
LostAndProfound9 (9:27:50 PM): badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers
LostAndProfound9 (9:27:51 PM): badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers
LostAndProfound9 (9:27:53 PM): badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers
LostAndProfound9 (9:27:54 PM): badgers,badgers,badgers,badgers
Nebula 050 (9:28:59 PM): i think i have fleas
LostAndProfound9 (9:29:41 PM): j's hair?

motherfuck uncle sam
step back, i know who i am
raise up your ear, i'll drop the style and clear
it's the beats and the lyrics they fear
the rage is relentless
we need a movement with a quickness
you are the witness of change
and to counteract
we gotta take the power back!

i'm inferior? who's inferior?
yea, we need to check the interior
of the system that cares about only one culture
and that is why
we gotta take the power back!

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING BANANA PHONE!

by saying less today i will gain more.

2004-05-18T01:51:09Z

last night i turned around and was suddenly looking at her in the eyes. i didn't reconize them.
it scared me. i'm not sure why.
i cried until i was sick last night.

today i thought about a few 'what if' situations.

crying,
apathy,

and suddenly i'm smiling and laughing.

static.

(...saturday was two months. i didn't even realize the date - he told me on sunday.)

silverainbow @ 2004-05-16T12:33:00

2004-05-16T16:33:53Z

will not be shaken
and jump into this,
and be pursuasive, just carry on.
make my mind up, to go though this,
or be firm and sit in silence.

FORFEIT.

learn from this
prehistoric dance and
refrain from talking
solves our problems.

medicated, could do some good,
or find a way to relate,
or just shut up.

FORFEIT.

i dive deep when its teen feet over head, grab the reef underneath my bed

2004-05-15T20:09:39Z

bed head hair products rock... yes. so yesterday was a good time. show at billiebob's pool hall w/ minkus, random strangers, just a phase, and tomarrow's broken. a perfect amount of people showed up thanks to all the flyers passed out and made by z, me, and hodan... billiebob's is amazing! that was my first time there. its just cool. whee ;D
i got a ride w/ day, we picked up cait and drove over there. just a phase was up first, and dispite what anyone has to say, that band is incredible. oh man. minkus' set was great.... rs - wasn't their best - but still great. apparently bill was kinda sick and therefore bitchy. oh well. it all worked. 'this song is called the majestic black-' *collective laugh* 'well... its a book term... it was called blood loss but we're sticking to the majestic black-' 'peeenniiiissss' haha
any man or woman over 30 scattered around that room had disgruntled looks on their faces. that made me smile.
shaky ground and poem sounded particularly good tonight.

i'm really out of it, i dont know whats going on right now, im mindlessly and lazily typing

we went to the KKK with rob (Karen's Kitchen Korner, formally Zion) to catch swami play. there were a lot of old people and just.... gah... i dont know, we really felt out of place. whatever. two, jess, and bill show up so z and bill do an quick two song acoustic set. i bought a pink smoothie. some guy was snorting outside in front of day's car. thats all i remember. we dropped cait off and all of us hung out at z's house until he was paranoid his mom would come home.
two's dad couldnt give jess a ride home, so she stayed at my house last night after day felt the need to embrace her zoloft crazyness and go to tops at 12:30 to get candy (and possibly condoms) and drive around the mcdonald's drive thru 5 times screaming about tacos.

errr... i dont know... stuffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
two, z, and day showed up over here about two hours ago and we all packed into my escape and stayed there for awhile eating candy and talking. haha.. i need to stay home today, do some shit

ringringringringring BANANA PHONE!

silverainbow @ 2004-05-13T18:36:00

2004-05-13T23:31:29Z

so i sit here with the annoying fan on listening to radiohead glancing at the pink band aid from getting my blood drawn and the numerous drawings that sean drew in purple sharpie up and down my arm....

i just asked my grandfather what was going on with court this morning. i was thinking about it all day. my grandparents dont tell me anything concerning marie anymore unless i ask them. i dont know whats running through their minds, but i think theyre afraid to since that day i snapped..
the state wants marie to get a job and pay $15 a month. he sighed and said 'its like getting blood from a rock.'

nevermind....

i dont feel like typing my thoughts right now, i cant think straight, i'll come out stupid, i think i already have

silverainbow @ 2004-05-12T20:37:00

2004-05-13T00:40:48Z

...i just keep smiling to myself at the pure sillyness of today's events...